[With many apologies to Clement Moore]
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
I was up late to deal with the Servicing Louse
And his Indian accent was making me grouse.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
And Mama in her 'kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had exhausted all our efforts to deal with this cr*p!
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from our bed to see what was the matter.
Off I ran to the front door like a flash,
So fast I forgot to tie my bathrobe sash.
The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below,
When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
A drive by appraiser, chugging a beer!
He ran over my mailbox so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment he must be a pri*k.
More rapid than eagles his pictures he took,
And he whistled, and shouted; oh, what a crook!
"Now Mama, Now Papa, we want your house”
Screamed the drunk agent of the Servicing Louse.
“We'll take your porch, we'll take your wall,
Then we'll dash away! dash away! dash away all!"
As dry docs that before the wild hurricane fly,
He lurched up the walk, smelling just like a sty.
Up to the front door the drunk agent swaggered
He was almost here; oh, how he staggered.
And then, in a twinkling, he fell on his a$$
(I may be a redneck, but this guy had no class.)
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
He said in a whisper, “The Servicer lies,
Using your head, you can give him a nasty surprise.
But take a timeout to love your family and friends,
Because not even Santa can tell you how this all ends.
Life is too short to never feel joy,
Take time to love your little girls and your boy.
Tell Mama you love her, and make it come true.
Love, joy and peace are the gifts I leave here for you.”
He said as he left that he would take out the trash,
Christmas Eve is no time for a servicing rash!
Then outside he ran to grab the Servicing jerk,
To take him off to his sled and finish his work.
I awoke from my dream with a start and a shout,
And ran to the front door to quickly look out.
Of the Servicing Louse there was not a sign,
I sighed with relief that the house was still mine.
I laughed to myself that it was only a dream,
Of course Santa knows nothing of servicing schemes.
When to my wandering eye did appear
A flattened mailbox and a half can of beer!
I shut my front door with a shake and a shiver
Wondering what Santa really meant to deliver.
As I pondered this question that made my head spin
Mama and the children just then walked in.
Seeing them there made me feel love and joy;
Things I hadn't felt since I was a young boy.
Love, joy and peace to you all in spite of your plight,
Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.